Yesterday I helped you out, giving you 10 Things to Say During the Super Bowl. I hate to harp on the negative, but here are the things you shouldn’t say. I’ve been guilty of some of these, for sure … But as Maya Angelou said, “when you know better, do better.”
Consider yourself in the know.
1. Gisele Bündchen
Patriots QB Tom Brady is married to this German-Brazilian Victoria’s Secret Model. Yes, she’s hot. But she has nothing to do with football.
2. Non-Football Stats
We know – if you boil an entire football game to actual play time, 3 hours becomes a mere 17 minutes. Who cares? All those extra minutes are full of either strategy or atmosphere-building. That’s why football is an event.
Yes. The average 30-second ad will cost $4,000,000.00 this year. We can whinge all about the capitalist regimes which exploit this sacred sport. But now is not the time.
These types of stats are an annoying distraction for the task at hand: cheering on the team. You aren’t being impressive if you know them; you’re showing disdain for the game. Instead, learn some stats about the actual game: how many rushing yards each team averages, or passer ratings, or something.
Mmhmm. I saw the POTUS give the State of the Union, too. Mmhmm, that one line was a real burn.
No, I don’t want to hear your analysis. Not right now.
Let us be distracted from the state of the Union and the state of the world for a few hours, okay? A lot of stuff really sucks, and we have a brief opportunity for unity in this one event. Stop wrecking it.
There is a lot of thought and design behind an NFL uniform. It’s really quite interesting. But it isn’t pertinent in this moment. No one cares which colors you like best, whether or not you’re into the chevrons down the Seahawks’ legs, or whose butt looks the cutest.
Please do not be a stereotype, Rookies.
5. Game Basics
Remember, football fans hate to be asked football basics during the game. They REALLY hate it during the biggest game of the year. If you aren’t sure what’s going on, take cues from those around you. Or, you can scroll through the Stupid Questions to get a clue.
Asking which team we are or who has the ball on Super Bowl Sunday is like showing up to your American History final asking who won the Civil War. Clearly, you should have studied before. And if you didn’t, you can cheat 😉