With scandal covering NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell like Richard Sherman on a long pass, I’m betting his days are numbered. Clearly, as a passionate fan with some time on her hands, I make the logical choice as his successor.
Here are the ridiculous changes I’d make to the NFL, if it were my say:
1. Tea Parties
Yes, football players are our modern warriors. But clearly the NFL has a violence problem. How do you balance out warrior culture? With chivalry. I propose that one meeting a week will be held in suits, over tea. All players must use proper manners and grammar for the duration of the tea party. If he has a significant other, parent, or child he would like to bring as an honored guest, he receives a bonus. If his etiquette is found lacking, he will be fined by the league. And, as is true with the sport itself, training would have to start early – little league tea parties.
Have you had a scone with clotted cream? It’s miraculous. I dare say it could go far in bringing some civility into the league.
2. Less Padding
That’s not to say I want the sport to be any less violent. On the field – have at it! Sure, this may seem counter-intuitive considering all of the attention paid to concussions and other potentially life-altering injuries. But I think our warriors only get hurt because they can’t feel it. If you put less pads on them, I guarantee some instincts will kick in, because without padding to protect you, you’ll protect yourself.
3. Merit Pay
Because I’m a teacher by trade, I have thought a lot about this proposed change. Merit pay for teachers doesn’t really work because our results are not always quantitative. But football players’ are! That’s why we keep stats – heck, that’s why we keep score!
I say, boost the salary caps sky high. Sign contracts in the hundred millions for everyone – that’s fine! But players only make the percentage of their contract based on percentage of wins. And, as a contract employee, you get paid when the job is done.
Uh-oh, Detroit Lions, you went 0-16 (as you did in 2008)? No pay for you. Guess you should have done your job.
4. Cheap Seats
Baseball doesn’t get a lot right, as it slips from being America’s Pastime to The Other Sport. But one thing it gets very right is the cheap seats.
As a kid growing up in Chicago, I learned to love the Cubs not just watching the game on T.V., but by being at the live games. Access is important, and being able to sit in the bleachers for $5 back then, meant a lot of time at Wrigley, solidifying my fandom.
An average NFL ticket now costs about $200. I say, have a cheap seat section. But, maybe you have to earn access to that section – say by blogging every day and just really, really wanting to go …
5. Male Cheerleaders
With a growing female fan base (48% reportedly!), simply objectifying women on the sidelines doesn’t make any sense. My goodness, it is 2014. Aren’t we ready for equality, yet?!? When I’m commissioner, we will objectify men as well! Every game. No exceptions. Get ready to shake it boys! And just like the female cheerleaders, you’ll make minimum wage, because this is a hobby (ignore the hundred million per person salary cap, above). Get ready to pose (nearly naked!). You are going to be in a calendar! No, you don’t get a percentage of sales – that goes to the team and the league (aka me). But this is an opportunity. You’re so lucky!
You look hot, by the way.
I’m ready for my $35.1 million salary, I think!
Did I miss any glaring changes to make? I’m a benevolent commissioner; let me know what changes you’d like to see!